


What Could Never Be

by Kayylala



Series: Joker Junior Series [3]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman Beyond
Genre: Angst, Batfamily (DCU), Dissociative Identity Disorder, Everybody Cares About Tim, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-05
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:55:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21680107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kayylala/pseuds/Kayylala
Summary: Deep down though, Tim thinks he has always known that there is only one way to get rid of Junior. He needs to kill him and there is only one way that Junior's death can be guaranteed.If Junior is going to die, Tim needs to as well.And Tim could never admit it out loud, or even think it to himself, but the last few days have been spent accommodating himself to that idea more so than anything else. All the other ideas are just a distraction, because he doesn't want to die, but the other options are, in the grand scheme of things, inconsequential. They just won’t do.
Relationships: Tim Drake & Bruce Wayne, Tim Drake & Dick Grayson, Tim Drake/Jason Todd
Series: Joker Junior Series [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1550455
Comments: 32
Kudos: 338





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> It's in the tags but this work does deal a lot with suicidal thoughts and a suicide attempt. If reading things related to suicide causes any triggers or makes anyone uncomfortable I kindly and highly recommend giving this story a miss. 
> 
> I do hope you all enjoy, all things considered...

It has been raining for the last two days now. Tim would know, because he's been sitting in it, copping the full force of its chill.

He thinks he's caused the cuts on his right hand, where he'd smashed the mirror, to scar from his mistreatment of them. The fingers beyond the torn knuckles went numb and blue at least 12 hours earlier than the left ones. He thinks, anyway. It’s hard to tell over the dried blood and there is no way the rain alone, even in all its force, is washing that off without assistance.

But between his hunger and dehydration and the freezing temperature his body is at, he hardly found it in him to care about the parts of himself he can't feel.

He's been camped on the roof for just over two days now. It's been cold and windy the whole time and raining for the most part. His inadequately few layers of clothes are drenched through and his skin is soaked to the bone.

Tim knows, from the notifications on his old phone, that it took them 8 hours to notice his sudden disappearance because that's when he started receiving messages.

So far, Bruce has called him 6 times and left 8 text messages, Dick's been calling once every few hours and Tim's screen reads 54 missed calls from Jason. Even Damian has sent him a handful of messages asking about his whereabouts.

It goes without saying that he hasn't replied to any of them. He knows they've tried to track his phone but of course it just shows him at the Manor. Of course they wouldn't think to look on the roof.

They have been to 6 of his different safe house. Or Dick has anyway. He knows because that many alarms have been triggered and notified him and it makes him uncomfortable that Dick is spending his time looking for Tim when he should be taking care of Jason and Bruce.

He also knows that Jason is out of bed because he is almost certain he heard him yelling at Dick this morning in the driveway while the rain had turned to a drizzle for an hour or so. The wind had still been howling though so he couldn't make out any words.

But Tim's not ready to be found yet. He hasn't finished thinking.

He has spent the last two days contemplating what he is going to do from here. Whether he is going to leave or go back to try and amend the damage Junior, _he_ , caused. Whether he is going to find a way to get rid of Junior alone or with assistance.

He could try therapy, he thinks. He knows there are things people can do for people with an identity disorder. But there is no way to know for certain if it works. Junior hasn't always been a regular visitor and he _needs_ certainty.

Deep down though, Tim thinks he has always known that there is only one way to get rid of Junior. He needs to kill him and there is only one way that Junior's death can be guaranteed.

If Junior is going to die, Tim needs to as well.

And Tim could never admit it out loud, or even think it to himself, but the last few days have been spent accommodating himself to that idea more so than anything else. All the other alternatives are just a distraction, because he doesn't want to die, but the other options are, in the grand scheme of things, inconsequential. They just won’t do.

He knows what his death will cause. The pain it will create.

Bruce doesn't need to lose another son. Dick doesn't need to lose another brother and Jason doesn't need to lose someone else he loves. Whether Damian would admit to it or not, he cares about Tim as well and Alfred can only handle so much.

Then there is Steph and Cass and Babs.

And Kon and Bart and the Titans as well.

Tim keeps circling back around to thoughts like this. Which is ultimately why he is still sitting here, alive.

In the most modest way possible, he knows killing himself will have a chain effect that will hurt a lot of other people. He doesn't want to do that.

But then again, he already has.

He tortured Jason.

He was literally two seconds away from _killing_ Bruce.

He is hurting people either way but at least if he is dead, there is no way he will be able to _kill_ anyone.

His death will hurt for a while. Maybe a long while but they will all get over it eventually.

Then again, could Bruce cope with loosing another son?

And thus the cycle repeats.

It is driving Tim mad. He wants it to be over. He doesn't want to care or worry or live in fear for the rest of his life. Which, with the knowledge Junior is lurking somewhere inside him, he will. He will never know peace or rest or trust himself with companionship ever again.

If he does choose to not kill Junior, he will be alone until the day he decides he can't stand the isolation, and there is no point in tricking himself into believe that will be anytime soon. He has found no solution within the last six years and nothing has changed.

If he doesn't die, he'll be alone forever.

And he doesn't want that.

No. There is only one way to get rid of Junior.

All this time that Tim's been thinking about everyone else he hasn't realise that he hasn't stop to consider his own wishes.

And he _doesn't_ want to live while Junior is alive.

He doesn't want to die but his want for Junior dead outweighs that. He doesn't think he's ever wanted anything more than to kill Junior.

So that's his final decision.

Before he can think about it more, Tim rises to his feet, standing on shaking and unstable legs, and moves slowly to the edge of the roof.

The rain has returned to its pouring nature and the wind remains relentless.

Tim is not sure how long he stands on the edge for. He thinks it could have been maybe 10 minutes, his mind battling for reasons against this.

That's when he hears his name being shrieked from below.

Looking downwards, he sees Dick coming out of his car, so rushed he has left the driver door open and is letting the rain hit against the interior.

"Tim! Oh my God, oh my God. Okay, Tim, I need to you stay right where you are. Do you hear me? Stay right where you are, everything's going to be okay, alright? Everything will be okay." He is shouting to be hear over the rain and Tim doesn't do it on purpose but he nods. It is one thing, what he was going to do, but something else entirely to do it in front of Dick.

So Tim stays where he is and Dick stays in sight, pacing through the muddy gravel in the driveway, shouting up at Tim, telling him to stay still and that it will be okay.

Tim knows it won't be because how could it? Not after this. It will never be okay again.

Eventually, after Dick is soaked through as thoroughly as Tim, the unmistakeable sound of Jason's voice fills the air.

"Dick, the hell are you doing, you idiot? It's pouring out here. What are you shouting about?"

For the first time since he arrived, Dick's voice drops from a yell and Tim can't hear what he says. But then Jason comes into view and looks up at him for no more than a second before going inside as fast as his crippled state allows.

Tim idly wonders how long it will take him to climb the five sets of stairs necessary to get to the roof in his current state and Tim knows he only has a few minutes to make his final decision before it is be made for him.

But Dick is still standing on the ground below and Tim still would never do that to him.

Shortly though, sooner than Tim expected, arms wrap around his torso and pull him back, but they are too thin, too short, to belong to Jason. The body he is pulled back against is too lean.

Then he is spun around and Tim sees Damian standing in front of him, out of breath, like he just sprinted up five flights of stairs, and eyes wide in inexplicable shock.

Tim looks back at him, not a quite a stare but a constant gaze emotionless, before Damian grabs him by the wrist with no words and leads him towards the stairwell to the attic, then through to the topmost halls of Wayne Manor.

Bruce is the first person to come hobbling down the hall and grips Tim tightly by the shoulders and pulls him into the tightest hug Tim has ever received from the man.

But before he knows it, Tim is being pried from his father's arms and pulled into a much more familiar chest with a much more familiar smell and comfort.

Tim can feel Jason crying into his hair and knows he is crying back into his shirt.

"Jesus Christ, Tim, I love you. I love you so much," he whispers and a new wave of emotions are drawn from inside Tim, something strong and resilient snapping and he cries harder. Jason is gripping Tim so possessively and Tim doesn't think, despite everything, he's ever felt more safe.

He realises then, in a backhand sort of way, that this is the first time he has seen Jason since Junior and can't believe this is the reaction he is getting.

Jason shouldn’t love him. Not after what he did.

Feeling more disgusted with himself than ever, Tim pulls himself out of Jason's hold just as Dick is pounding up the last few stairs.

He walks backwards into the wall and pushs his hands into his hair, half obscuring his face, legs failing him and he slides to the floor. His breath comes out fast and ragged and the calmness he hadn't noticed he had maintained falls away so fast Tim feels as though he is falling, like the carpet is opening up underneath him and is going to swallow him whole.

He feels like he was drowning, despite this being the first time in days he isn't under water. He feels his limbs start to shake and his lungs start to burn because he isn't breathing. Why isn't he breathing? His lungs aren’t working, they aren't opening and he thinks that this might be punishment for not being dead already because he is supposed to be lying broken and bleeding in the dirt out the front on the Manor.

Inside his head, all thoughts are cut out by an unrhythmic pounding echoing through every cell of his being. Black becomes the only thing he can see and he doesn't have the strength to tell whether it is because his eyes are closed or not.

A hyperawareness of himself extends and nothing happening around him computes; he is too busy trying not to be swallowed by the carpet. He needs to pull himself away from it and in an adrenaline surge of effort he springs from the ground and straight into something.

For a moment he falls then he is caught and once more he feels arms wrap around him and he can't fight them. He isn't even sure who this is, his mind is not processing any visual information, all his energy is given to trying to open his lungs.

Then he manages a big inhale of air and it is relief more than he's even known. He slackens against the body holding him and feels the muscles in the arms and chest tighten. He realises he is still crying and makes no effort to stop. He doesn't think he would be able to, even if he wanted.

He closes his eyes, consciously blocking out the white light and doing his best to ignore the whispers around him that sound like they are coming through water; thick and indecipherable. Careful hands wipe tears from his cheeks and Tim knows then it is Dick who is holding him, cradling him and Tim realises that, just like with Jason, he feels safe with his older brother.

XXXXXXXX

Some hours later, Tim is sitting in the corner of the sofa in the first floor living room. He hasn't really noticed what had happened, he just knows, more so than remembers, that he showered and drank and ate and nearly broke his arm trying to get away from Jason after he tried to cleans the blood from his hand. 

Everyone's sitting in the room. Someone must have called the girls over because they're here too, now. Tim feels bad for them. He saw the self-restraint on Steph and Barbra not to hug him and the deep worry reflected in every single one of Cass's movements.

But he sits isolated while everyone stares at him and he gets the strange sensation that he's an animal in a zoo, being observed and criticised.

Then Dick finally speaks up. "Tim, we need to talk about what happened. I know you really won't want to but we need to." His voice is soft and careful and Tim can pick out the worry it is laced with.

He doesn't answer.

He doesn't even move because, no, he does not want to talk about it. He wants to curl up in a ball and go to sleep and never wake up.

He folds in on himself even more.

"Tim, please." It is Jason's voice now. "Please just say something."

Still nothing.

Silence encloses on all of them, thick and heavy and unlike anything else they have ever experienced. They have dealt with death before. Many time. Death is an almost constant part of their lives and is far from anything new.

But they have never had to deal with suicide.

And yes, that's the word Tim has decided to use. Because that's what it was. An attempt on his own life and to call it anything else would be a lie.

No one knows what to say or do. Tim can't blame them, it is a lot to process and he would hate it if the table were reverse, knowing that someone he cared about wanted to do something this terrible to themselves and there was nothing he could say to help comfort.

He knows their intentions are good but he wishes to God that they would just leave him the hell alone.

Though alone is the last thing he probably needs, he thinks. Even he himself doesn't know if he'll try anything if given the chance and he can't blame them for denying him the opportunity to find out. 

So he stays curled as small as possible on the couch under their scrutiny.

He can feel the minds in the room working for what to say and strangely enough he feels pity for them. So, for the first time in four days, he speaks.

"I saw the video." His voice is as raspy and as thick as expected and all the heads turn up and in his direction as the first word leave his mouth. But he isn't speaking to all of them. "I saw what I did to you."

"Tim you didn't do anything," Jason sounds as broken as him. "Fuck, I _know_ that wasn't you. He made a point of proving he wasn't you."

Tim shakes his head. Jason doesn't understand. "It was _my_ face you saw while he was _torturing_ you, Jay. My face. My hands. My fault." He turns his attention to Bruce. "And I was a literal _second_ away from killing you," he whispers.

"Don't think for a moment that was your fault, Tim," Bruce says, same as Jason, same as Dick, same as Damian.

They don’t get it. How could they? No one could possibly understand what it was like to watch himself over that video or know that it was his hand that nearly killed his father. Tim has a sudden urge to cut his hand off, 127 hours style, and he hides his clenched fist under a cushion, out of sight and letting the silence resume.

It is back to that weighted feeling, oppressive and ominous. He doesn't know where to even begin telling them all how he feels right now.

He guesses this is the part where the tears should return but they never come. He feels like he should be crying, like anyone else in this situation would be, but he doesn't.

The over-abundance of emotions have worn him out a he suddenly feels more hollow than anything else. He doesn't even really feel sad anymore, he's just kind of there, suspended in space and floating on nothing.

"We've been looking, while you were hiding-" It's Jason who speaks again. "-and this thing with Junior, Doc Thompkins says it is Dissociative Identity Disorder-"

"I know what it is," Tim interrupts. "I've known for a long time."

"Then you should know it's manageable." Jason's tone sounds borderline angry and Tim's initial thought is to use that to his advantage and spur Jason on, but stops himself. He has caused enough damage.

He lets his tense muscles relax and thinks that this not-conversation will go on forever if he doesn't just tell them the truth soon.

"I have been 'managing' it for the last 6 and a half years. I don't want to have to anymore. It's exhausting and I've had enough."

"So you thought you'd kill yourself? Solve all your problems at once!"

Jason is yelling now and a small part of Tim wants to argue back, cause a row and a fight so he can leave. Storm out and never come back.

There is another part that is angry that Jason is angry. He has no right to be angry about _this_. There are plenty or things Jason should be angry about, but not _this_.

A final part, the largest, just wants to bow his head and accept the words and the anger. Whether Jason is angry about the right thing or not, Tim wants him to be angry because Jason deserves to be able to yell at him after everything that has happened.

So he lets Jason yell.

"Well I've got some news for you, Tim. Killing yourself wasn't going to solve any of your problems. No, it was moving them from you to us! Do you think any of us in this room would be okay if we walked outside and just saw _your body_ lying there? Of course not! It would have fricken killed me, Tim! It was selfish and-"

During his rant, Jason had risen to his feet, and now Dick and Steph have as well, cutting him off.

"Jason that's enough!" Tim has never heard Dick sound so angry.

Everyone else is holding their breath, watching Jason glare Dick down and waiting for him to erupt again. But Tim gets in first.

"Let him continue," Tim says quietly enough it takes a moment or two for everyone to turn and look at him, shocked.

"What?" Jason half yells. "You want me to keep going? Why the hell would you want to listen to that?"

Tim gives him a pathetic smile. "You have every right to be angry. You should say what you need to say."

Jason seems to deflate right then and there, with one large exhale. The look in his eyes transforms from anger into regret. "I'm sorry, Tim. _Fuck_ , you didn't need to hear that. I'm so sorry. I didn't even mean those things. Well, yeah I'm pissed but not because…" he trails off.

"You're angry because I didn't say anything and let things get this far. I know." His pathetic smile becomes a little more genuine.

"Yeah," Jason agrees, sitting back down and rubbing his hands over his face. "You should have said something earlier, Tim. I'm not mad that it happened or about what happened to me. I'm mad that it got so far you thought your best option was to jump off the roof. Because we can help you, Tim. There are people who can _help you_." There is no hostility in his tone now. No even a trace. He just sounds tired and desperate. Tim can't blame him.

But Jason still doesn't understand and Tim shakes his head, addressing the whole room now. "There's nothing out there that will get rid of Junior for certain. Even if one of those therapy things work, I still can't be _certain_ that he's gone. I need to _know_ that he will never come back."

"Tim," Bruce speaks up, meeting Tim's eye for the first time all day. "Your life isn't worth his."

Tim nods. "I know. I suppose I just want him dead more than anything. More than I want to live," he hears the sound of Jason's adam's apple bobbing as he swallows thickly, sees Dick's face turn away and Barbra wipe a tear away from her eye. "Because I honestly don't want to die. I thought about it for two days straight and I'm aware of what the consequences would be but I can't help but reason that no one else is going to get hurt by Junior if I'm dead. So I wasn't killing myself, per se, I was killing Junior and I just happen to be a casualty."

Jason has tears in his eyes again and wipes them away vigorously. Dick is carelessly letting his fall as is Barbra. Even Steph, forever macho, has wet eyes. Bruce's face is carefully blank and Damian's even more so.

Looking around the room, Tim meets Cass' eye and she somehow manages to portray at least three different emotions with a single gaze so intense Tim has to look away because he understands her and she understands him. If he looks at her a second longer, he will start crying again, too.

With everyone else's emotions, Tim finds it suddenly much harder to keep the cool indifference that had possessed him earlier.

Jason must have noticed because he clears his throat and stands up again, much calmer this time.

“Come on, Tim. Let’s get that hand cleaned up, okay?”

Tim nods and follows Jason down into the Cave where Alfred is waiting for them. 


	2. Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this certainly wasn't out without the week but I'll tell you what, this was EXHAUSTING to write. I hope you can all forgive my tartiness here but after many many many rewrites, I came up with something I don't hate.  
> Without further ado, please enjoy...

Tim is forced to stay at the Manor. He doesn't argue it, he thinks it is a fair request, considering.

But he does refuse to let Jason sleep with him.

He's partly successful. He has the bed all to himself but no one will leave him alone throughout the night with the scheduled shifts to watch over him. Tim is scared of himself and he can only imagine how frightened they must be for him. He can't blame them for the precautions.

The watches are persistent throughout the day, too. Jason is all but glued to his side. Tim is hardly allowed to go to the toilet alone.

It's a bit annoying but Tim is grateful, honestly. The invasion of privacy is mostly unwanted but at least the attempts to talk about things are few and far between.

He feels bad, almost, ignoring those few attempts that Jason or Dick do try to make. He's hardly said a word since their 'sit-down' and he's afraid that if he opens his mouth it will just lead to more tears.

Even Bruce tries to talk to him. It's not something the man has ever done, openly tried to communicate about emotions, so Tim apologises for not cooperating and thanks him for the effort.

It hurts him to see them realise exactly how helpless they are. They are all trying so hard but Tim can't bring himself to speak about it.

He feels guilty. He knows he shouldn't but he does. He tries to let them know he is here, now, and that for the moment, while they are there, he isn't going anywhere. It is difficult but he does his best.

A few days in, after it’s more than obvious Tim’s won’t speak to them, Bruce calls Leslie. But Tim doesn't talk to her, either. He can't.

His relationship with her has improved significantly after the ordeal with Lonnie Machin but it's still a far cry from trusting her enough to confess all his deep, dirty feelings.

Eventually, Jason asks if he'll talk to Dinah. She isn't a qualified psychologist, then again, neither is Leslie, but she certainly has experience. And Tim trusts her.

He agrees. By no means does Tim actually want to have a conversation about what has happened, but he knows he needs to. He knows he can't talk to the family, that will be too hard, and he definitely can't talk to any of Gotham's psychologist, thank you Jonathan Crane, so Dinah Lance is his best option.

Knowing this doesn't make it any easier to get the words out. But Dinah is nothing but gentle.

"Bruce gave me a summary of what happened, what you said afterwards," she begins. "And Tim, I am so sorry about what the Joker did to you and what you thought you had to do to fix it." Tim acknowledges her with a nod. "And before we begin, I need to know that you acknowledge what has happened, because suicide is not an easy thing to accept but for this conversation-"

"I know what I did," Tim interrupts quietly. "I know I was suicidal, and maybe still am, and that I tried to kill myself but it's more complex than that, Dinah."

"You still are?" she questions and Tim can see the worry lining her face. He's had therapy session with her before, it is something the Justice League makes the Titans do every six months or after every major fight, but he's never seen her looked _scared_.

He sighs and shrugs. "I don't know. It's. I just… Well, nothing's changed. So yeah, I guess." 

She puts her hand on top of his where it is resting on his knee and closes her eyes. She's trying so hard not to cry and the sentiment is contagious as he finds tears welling up in the back of his throat.

This is why he couldn't talk to Jason or Dick or Bruce or Steph. He knows how much those words would have hurt them.

After a minute, she gets up and hugs him. They stay like that for a while and Tim even lets the tears roll down his cheeks.

"Tim, honey, I want you to know that feeling this way is understandable, it really is, but-" she chokes on her words and Tim can't look her in the eye. He'll start crying again. "There are other options, okay? Because nothing is more important than your life. People love you, Tim."

The words are the exact thing he needs but doesn't want to hear and he's crying again. "I don't want to die, Dinah. I really don't, but I _have_ to get rid him. I have to."

Through his blurry vision, he sees her heart break and he is enveloped in another hug. They don't speak again for some time.

When they do, however, Dinah has a mask over her face and Tim notes that he is now sitting with the Black Canary.

"From here, Tim, there are several paths we can take," she says gently and Tim admires how she has effectively reigned in her emotions. It's certainly odd to see someone other than a Bat do such a thing. "First of all, I know how much you'll hate this, but I think putting you under a suicide watch is unquestionable for the foreseeable future. Do you know what that means for you?" Tim nods. "I also think some family sessions, teaching them about your identity disorder, the symptoms, our methods of prevention and also recognising behaviours that indicate suicidal thoughts is incredibly important."

Tim nods and she pauses for a moment to look him over. "I'm not an expert here, Tim. I'll have to go home and make a few calls so I can understand this as best as possible and do the best things for you. But right now, the most important thing is making sure you're okay and you get through each day."

She looks at him so kindly that Tim has to bite down on his lip. He knows she is asking if there is any imminent danger of him doing anything rash and he can't answer. He can't because he doesn’t know. There's so much conflict in his head he can't possibly know what is going to happen.

He has no contingencies for _this_.

He feels his hands shaking where they are clenched together in his lap. He closes his eyes and focuses on breathing and making sure he doesn't start hyperventilating. He needs to make sure the people who love him are safe from Junior, he _needs_ to, but God, he isn't ready to die.

"I'm scared," he says eventually and he finds it hard to speak. "I'm so damn terrified, Dinah. I'm so tired and I can't sleep and I'm fucking _terrified_ that's he's going. That's he going to. That he's…" he balks and he has to stop talking so he can breathe. He can feel the panic rising and he can't breathe again and he crying and he can't _breathe_. "I want him gone!" he shouts. "I want him gone, I hate him and I hate _me_ and I want him gone! I'm so so tired and it's all too much and I just want it to be over."

He knows he is yelling but he can't help it because he has to get the words out before his lungs stop working forever. He pulls his knees up and squeezes his legs so close to himself it hurts. It hurts so much and he can't breathe. He can't breathe and he can't see or speak or hear anything Dinah is saying.

He knows she is kneeling in front of him and he feels a hand on his face and a hand on his chest. He thinks she shouts out to Bruce because suddenly his father is there too; holding him and brushing a hand through his hair. Tim feels Bruce's chest rise and fall and the sound of Bruce's voice, counting a rhythm, distantly echoes through his thoughts.

He isn't sure how long it takes but he's breathing again. His tears are still wet, falling down his cheeks, and Bruce is holding him protectively, possessively, and whispering into his hair.

Across from him, Dinah looks both terrified and relieved, her head supported in her hands. In the doorway, he can see silhouettes, not doubting they belong to Jason and Dick and the others.

He closes his eyes and leans into Bruce's chest even more.

XXXXXXXX

Tim is sandwiched in between Bruce and Jason as Dinah clinically goes through the nature of Dissociative Identity Disorder and the usual methods of treatment.

The room is adversely tense. He can feel everyone's eyes gloss over him from time to time but Tim doesn't pay much attention.

He is half asleep, he is so tired, and every inch of his body is numb. His mind is horribly clouded and he doesn't have the energy to maintain any thoughts.

He is drifting between consciousness and unconsciousness that he doesn't even know he is being addressed until Jason is kneeling in front of him, expression painfully worried.

"Tim? You still with us?" Jason's voice is soft and terrified.

He blinks heavily and nods. Looking around, he can see everyone watching him.

Steph is curled up in a ball on the armchair, tears pouring from her eyes. Babs is next to her, squeezing her hand and Tim can see how white her knuckles are from where he is. Every muscle in Cass's body in rigid. Damian has pressed himself right up against Dick so that if he were any closer, he'd actually be on top of him. Dick is watching him, the only one who maintains eye contact, with wet eyes and clenched jaw. Bruce is wearing a very similar expression.

He closes his eyes again and leans into Bruce now that Jason is gone beside him.

He is so tired.

He can hear Jason's broken breaths in front of him. He can feel Bruce's body shudder and someone else lets out a sob.

Bruce turns slowly against him and picks him up. Tim assumes he is being taken to his room but he lets himself fall asleep before Bruce can limp his way to the stairs.

XXXXXXXX

Tim wakes with his head on Jason's lap.

Jason has a hand carding through his hair and it's the most intimate things he's done all week.

He has been so good to Tim. He has been respectful and caring and every time Tim thinks about it, it makes his heart clench. After everything he has put Jason through recently, Tim knows he doesn't deserve it.

Not when Jason’s arm is still in a cast and he is still hobbling around on crutches. Not when Tim can see a row of stitches along his collar bone where Junior had tortured him.

His breath shudders and Jason's hand stills.

"You awake, Tim?"

He nods once in response.

"How are you feeling?"

Tim's exhausted. His muscle ache in stiffness and there's a perpetual throb in the back of his head. He moves to sit up and his vision spins for a moment.

"Okay," he lies.

Jason sees straight through it and shuffles closer again. He rests a hand between Tim's shoulder blades in a comforting, reassuring gesture.

Tim remembers when they first started dating. Jason's physical contact through small actions like this scared him. The intimacy, the kindness, the lovingness, meant so much it was terrifying. He had almost hated it, in the beginning. But Tim had quickly learnt that it is Jason's way of communicating, of saying the things he couldn't say out loud.

The gestural language has become something they both rely on. Tim has come to _need_ it.

He leans back into the touch in acknowledgement. Jason's fingers tense _,_ and Tim turns to look at him.

His eyes are red and swollen. He has his bottom lip between his teeth and his eyes can't quite meet Tim's.

Tim doesn't think he has appreciated how hard all of this must have been for him. How awful and helpless he surely feels.

It hurts to think about.

Tim feels the fingers on his back tense again. He brings his eyes back up to meet Jason's, they had drifted downwards, and Jason looks at him expectantly.

"I'm sorry, I zoned out," he says and Jason's lips move into a thin line.

"I asked if you'd like breakfast."

Tim notices his voice is rough. He clearly hasn't had any sleep and Tim wonders if he stayed up with him all night.

"Um, no, thank you. Sorry,"

"You don't have to apologise," he says and his face hardens even more. A beat of silence passes before he continues. "You don't have to apologise for any of this. I know you want to, you've hardly said anything _but_ sorry all week but fuck, Tim, you've got nothing to be sorry about."

Jason's other hand find his and squeezes. Tim opens his mouth to say sorry but catches himself before the word gets a chance to come out.

Jason huffs a quiet laugh, seeing what just happened, and squeezes his hand again. "It's okay," he whispers. "It's all going to be okay."

Tim wants to disagree. 'Okay' is so far away from where he is that it's hard to believe anything will be okay ever again.

He doesn't say that out loud, though.

Tim's head is dragged down to Jason's chest so he's lying against him in an almost hug.

Jason returns to combing through his hair and Tim starts to drift off again so he startles when Jason speaks.

"Tim?" Tim hums in acknowledgement. "You know I love you, right?"

"'course."

"Good," Jason says, sounding relieved. "Good. And you know that every other person in this house loves you, too. We all just want you to…" Jason cuts himself off but Tim hears the 'not want to kill yourself' anyway. "…be safe. Dinah mentioned, well, not a lot, she wouldn't tell us much, but she said you, um, that you hated yourself," Jason finishes quietly, like saying the words out loud physically hurt him.

Tim swallows audibly and Jason moves them so they are facing and his expression is carefully blank.

Tim knows his off-tilted posture and the way he is averting Jason's eyes is as good as a verbal confirmation and Jason sucks in a shallow breath.

"Tim," he begins again and his voice has lost the shaky edge and become confident and determined. "You are the most unapologetically smart, incredible and compassionate person I have ever met. Don't you _dare_ ever think any less of yourself, you hear me? I might be a bias but you are the best person I have ever met."

Tim closes his eyes and can't supress the small smile that creeps onto his face. Jason almost sounded angry towards the end, like he is personally offended that Tim would think any different. The firmness of his words dare Tim to refute him and Tim is reminded just how much he loves him.

Before he can respond, Jason interrupts him and continues. "I know you think that what the Joker did to you makes you lesser. I know that you probably think that it might change how I feel about you, Tim, but I am so God damn head-over-heels in love with you it hurts. There is nothing, absolutely _nothing_ , that will change that. You could turn into a psychopathic murdered and I'd probably think it was the hottest thing I've ever seen, fuck, I'd even help you hide the bodies. What I'm trying to say is that I will fight for you, Tim. I'm going to do everything I can to help you, no matter what. Jesus Christ, I'm babbling, but you have to understand, Tim-"

"I know," Tim says, cutting him off and squeezing his hand tighter. Jason’s speech had brought close to mania but Tim understands what he is saying and it makes his eyes prickle with tears again. "I know, Jay."

Jason runs his free hand over his face but his shoulders relax in relief, then he pulls Tim into another hug.

"I love you, too, Jason," Tim says and he knows it's exactly what Jason needs to hear.

He feels Jason relax underneath him. Jason's hand comes to sit at the base of his neck where his fingers tense a little. Tim reads between the lines, as he learnt to long ago, as Jason pulls him just that little bit closer.

Tim's own hands clench into Jason's shirt in a desperate fashion and he knows Jason understands. Tim loves this man, with all his heart and he needs Jason to know. Which he does, of course, but a reminder never hurt. He cannot fathom a life without Jason and he knows, more than anything, that Jason feels the same.

A tiny slither of a smile finds its way onto Tim's face as Jason kisses the top of his head and Tim thinks that, maybe, there might be something he wants more than he wants to kill Junior.

Because he loves Jason and, thinking about the man's sad expressions and his desperate tone of voice, he wants Jason to be happy. He wants Jason to know that he loves him.

He thinks about Bruce and Dick and Steph and the others; his family and friends. He thinks of the way Bruce hugged him last night and he thinks of the devastated yet loving look on Dick's face before Tim went to sleep the night before. He even thinks of Damian's sympathetic eyes and his recent kindness.

His talk with Dinah yesterday plays over in his head and Tim's almost overcome with internal conflict again. He _does_ want this whole mess with Junior to be over and he _does_ hate that Junior is a part of him.

Tim thinks that while he wants to kill Junior, he wants to stop his family from this heartbreak more. He wants Jason to be loved and he wants Bruce to keep his son, and Dick his little brothers. He wants Stephanie to keep her best friend and he wants them all to stop crying by his bedside as he sleeps and be happy instead.

He knows how much these people love him and he knows that, despite earlier beliefs, they won't get over his death. He knows that; he saw what happened after Jason died. The family fell apart and he can't let that happen again because of him.

Junior still needs to go; Tim needs to _know_ he is always going to be in control of his own body.

But right here, with Jason's arms around him, his priorities rearrange themselves.

Tim thinks that, if he can't live for himself, then, maybe, he can live for his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am planning to tie this all up with a kind of epilogue chapter (which I already have a draft for) which WILL be out before the New Year.  
> In the meantime, hope y'all liked and please let me know what you thought in the comments!!
> 
> EDIT:  
> I know I told you there would be another chapter after this and for those looking forward to it, I'm sorry to disappoint. I think I've written a gazillion different versions of the darned thing and I genuinely hate every single one. 
> 
> I'm not happy leaving the story here and I know I left you all hanging for a while (...) but at least this way I'm not dragging this whole thing down with a crappy epilogue and we can end with a standard of decent writing. 
> 
> Hopefully new stories will start popping up soon. (I'm going to make sure they're actually done before I start posting...) 
> 
> Thanks for your support and understanding everyone :)))

**Author's Note:**

> This will be continued with one or two more chapters, hopefully within the next week. Writing out Tim's thoughts here was a bit tricky and a realistic road to recovery will be even more so. Bear with me and fingers crossed this series will be 100% completed soon. 
> 
> In the meantime, feel free to let me know if you liked with kudos and comments :)))


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